When preschool starts, many moms struggle with separation anxiety.

Author : BOB CONSIDINE
STAFF WRITER c-n.com

Leann is a therapist at the Family and Community Services of Somerset County, and she still felt those pangs of guilt and detachment.

It was when she brought her daughter Lucy to preschool for the first time — which, of course, required leaving her at preschool for the first time.

Turns out even the pros have trouble letting go.

“And I’m not an anxious person, either,” Leann said. “But when the day I came, and I brought her to class, I was like, ‘How come I can’t go in there?’ I wound up peeking in through the windows for a glimpse, hoping no one would see.”

If this has been you, you’re not alone.

While separation anxiety among children going to day care, preschool and kindergarten is well-documented and researched, it’s the parent’s first disconnections with her children that results in the more silent tears.

In a recent poll on ModernMom.com, an online magazine, 34 percent of mothers said separation anxiety was the hardest part of going back to work after having a baby — the leading response over sleep deprivation (27 percent) and pumping breast milk (19 percent).

“I often hear about moms experiencing more separation anxiety when their kids go to school than the kids themselves,” said Lolita Carrico, founder of ModernMom.com.

Ironically, however, separation anxiety is only recognized as a disorder of children in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders — the handbook for all mental health professionals.

Yet, researchers, psychiatrists and teachers know the emotional symptoms undeniably exist for mothers everywhere.

“I personally believe it’s a normal thing for parents to go through,” said Eric Harris, executive director of Family and Community Services of Somerset County. “It can be an emotionally upsetting period for parents. The range of emotions depends on the person. It can range from minor levels of worry and anxiety to fairly strong worries or strong levels of emotion from separation.”

Independence day

Although it isn’t listed in the mental disorders manual, a clinical report investigating how symptoms of separation anxiety disorder occurs in adults, conducted by the Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, found the symptoms are extreme anxiety and fear that harm will come to their children.

Two years ago, a study headed by Katherine Shear, a professor of psychiatry at Columbia University, found that 7 percent of Americans are afflicted by separation anxiety disorder at some time in their lives.

“Separation anxiety in adults is a real thing — an under-recognized problem that can be highly debilitating,” Shear said. “It occurs with other disorders — as do all mood and anxiety disorders — and alone.”

Still, a parent can prepare for that first blow of departure by easing himself or herself and the child into separation.

“It’s a dual issue,” said Dr. Donald J. Franklin, a Bridgewater-based family psychologist. “The child feels anxious about going to school, and the parent is anxious about how the child will be once he is left at school. There are some suggestions that the more anxious the child becomes about it, the more anxious the parent becomes.”

Franklin suggests stages of division, starting with a preschool program for 21¼2 days a week, to ease the shock that comes from a longer day at preschool or kindergarten. He also recommends the parent learn what programs the teacher has in store and to find out if the child has any familiar classmates — and to sell them both to the child positively.

“And how you question the child about his or her day can determine the response,” Franklin added. “If you say, ‘Did you have a bad day?’ or ‘You were so upset this morning,’ those kinds of things can anticipate a negative response from the child, which can continue the anxiety for the parents.

“One of the issues some parents lose sight of is it’s their job to have the children ultimately become independent of you,” he added. “This is the first step toward their independence. Often times, the parent is less willing to try it out than the child is.”

Mutual feelings

At the MOMS Club of Hillsborough West, the emotions of first-time separation of mothers from their children are often discussed.

“This is especially an issue for stay-at-home moms, like those in our group,” said Veronica Miron, president of the club. “It is very hard to leave your child with someone else when you are the one caring for them all day, every day.”

Yet even with the constant discussion of letting go of your child, even if it’s only for a few hours, the actual division can just be heartbreaking to the parent.

“My daughter is 3 1/2 now, and I still haven’t left her for more than one night at a time,” Miron added. “It has only been a few times, and I still like to be there as soon as she is awake in the morning. Family and friends have tried to convince me to take a weekend away with my husband, but I haven’t been able to do it yet.

“My daughter, on the other hand, seems to have no separation anxiety at all. When she started preschool last year, she practically ran into the classroom. I had to stop her to get a hug. Then my husband took me out for breakfast so I did not have to worry about what to do with myself for two hours until I could go get my daughter.”

Most teachers and psychologists recommend a loving, but quick, goodbye on that first day of school. The longer the parent stays, the more opportunity a crying child has to pull the heartstrings of a sensitive mother.

“What usually happens from there is the teacher will see that child connects with other children,” Franklin said.

For the parent, that is the time to re-connect with the rest of their day, no matter how difficult it may seem.

In some instances, the adult separation anxiety can last beyond and to a point where it actually immobilizes.

“Moms should get treatment (in those cases), though we need more work to know how best to treat it,” Shear said.”Certainly, professional help is indicated if the mom experiences this for more than a month at a level that causes her significant distress and/or interferes with her life, including her relationship with her child or children.”

Making it work

While it’s natural for a parent to worry about where they leave their child and how long they’re away from the child, they shouldn’t agonize having to choose day care over work. In fact, according to the U.S. Department of Labor, 51.8 percent of married couples were dual-worker couples in 2006.

How the parent handles work and separation from their child, however, is paramount.

“What is much more important is that the relationship that the parents have with the child is warm, caring and responsive,” said Ellen Galinsky, president of the Families At Work Institute, a nonprofit center for research on changing families and the workplace. “The research shows that working affects parents first. Then there are a number of factors that affect children.”

And those work-related factors include the amount of stress they’re bringing home from work and how much support the father gives a working mother. Ultimately, acceptance of the need to work and to temporarily leave a child is what should benefit a mother.

“I think it’s important to recognize our assumption that we want to make life with as few bumpy spots in the road as possible for our children,” Galinsky added. “But in fact, if we look at it, life is full of potholes and bumps in the road.

“So the important lesson here is to see children venture out. Sometimes when you separate from your children, you reach a moment without reconnection. But you always do reconnect.”

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